This article is not meant to be serious. Please Phil Collins, do not come here and try to burn my house the way you burnt down the Genesis House :(

The Idea

A few months ago, I began reading This is your Brain on Music by Daniel J. Levitin, and I got interested by a few facts about music, how the brain works and whatnot. Here’s a snippet from the book that I found interesting:

All the available evidence is that music can’t be merely auditory cheesecake; it has been around a very long time in our species. Musical instruments are among the oldest human-made artifacts we have found. The Slovenian bone flute, dated at fifty thousand years ago, which was made from the femur of a now-extinct European bear, is a prime example. Music predates agriculture in the history of our species. We can say conservatively, that there is no tangible evidence that language preceded music. In fact, the physical evidence suggests the contrary.

Music is no doubt older than the fifty-thousand-year-old bone flute, because flutes were unlikely the first instruments. Various percussion instruments, including drums, shakers, and rattles were likely to have been in use for thousand of years before flutes [...]. The archaeological record shows an uninterrupted record of music making everywhere we find humans, and in every era. And, of course, singing most probably predates flutes as well.

I re-read this bit yesterday and thought that drums didn’t evolve that much in concept all in all, especially not when compared to instruments like the Piano (or the synthesizer) or the the electric guitar. Well, it did try to evolve in the 80’s, but it then turned to a murderous MIDI monster. If anything else from the percussive world had to be the target of slow evolution, it was Phil Collins.

Prehistoric men were awesome, Phil Collins sucks

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Reproduction

• Studies have proven that women at their peak of fertility during their menstrual cycle tend to rate poor, but creative men as their best mate choice for a short-term relationship, while this couldn’t be said of other times during the cycles. This is a sign of musicianship being a useful skill in survival of one’s genes through times.
• Phil Collins managed to have kids so maybe this means something.

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The skills

• Most savage music is crude and to us disagreeable, and anyone could do it, in any society.
• Phil Collins can play and sing at the same time, it’s not anyone who can do it. The rest is still true.

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The instruments

• Primitive percussionists used a stretched head of skin over a hollow bowl or box.
• Phil Collins’ used percussionist head is stretched skin over a hollow bowl or box.

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The origins

• Some believers think cavemen didn’t really exist and would rather trust the good old Genesis.
• Some believers think Collins shouldn’t really exist and would rather listen to the good old Genesis.

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Survival

• Prehistoric men were bad ass, and would hunt and kill animals to eat them around a fire while playing their drums.
• Phil Collins donated autographed drumsticks to fight against KFC.

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Dance

• In every past society that we are aware of, music and dance are inseparable.
• Phil Collins can’t dance, he can’t talk, he can’t sing, only thing about him is the way he walks.

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Courtship

• Through history, music was used in courtship as a way to prove one’s wealth, intelligence, stamina and overall good health.
• Phil Collins has used music in courtship as a way to prove his own wealth, stamina and overall good health.

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Language

Do you hate Phil Collins too?

I usually hate this crap, but this one lends itself pretty well for the article: shitty quiz. For the kick of it, here were the results:

Congratulations! You hate Phil Collins. You blame him for every mishap that occurs during your everyday life, and with good reason! Pat yourself on the back, you’re a good person.

68% of people had this result.

Can’t say I’m surprised.

Category: General